A couple of people have now asked me why I haven't written anything for the last month or so. I really don't have an answer to that. All I can think of is that maybe nothing has inspired me over the last month to write about it. Now that can mean two things...

 

1. Nothing is happening in this world that is worth my time and precious thoughts.

2. I am seriously bored with life.

 

Since I know the world is never devoid of politics, warfare,  stupidity, and the likes of these, I have concluded that I am seriously bored with life. Indeed, with the current riots going on around the world against 'the caricatures', there's no shortage of stupidity or political warfare in the world. If you open CNN Asia today (Feb 16 2006), the top two headlines are about Pakistanis dying in clashes with police and of Pakistani burning down a KFC (and a Citibank, and Telenor offices, and Punjab Assembly, and a Daewoo Bus station... and on and on). Religious zeal at an all time high! The dolts don't realize that all that they are doing is confirming the views of the cartoonists that Muslims are violent!

 

IDIOTS! IDIOTS! IDIOTS! (So I'm not that uninspired. Stupidity never fails to inspire me I guess).

 

Other than that... life is turning into a living hell right now. I am depressed... I'm not sure yet what about, but I am depressed. I think it is my job. When I wake up in the morning, I am fine. By the time I get back home in the evening, I look like a bus hit me... over... and over... and over. They are thinking of promoting me to a grade 18 equivalent post (now if you are from Pakistan, you should know how big that is for a 25 year old), and I am still unhappy. I don't like the work I am doing... its not what I studied so much for. I am being asked to write speeches and briefs and even corporate laws, which is all good except for the fact that I am a non-life insurance actuary. And apparently nobody realizes that!

 

I love studying, and I haven't started studying for my upcoming exam! That is another thing that depresses me. If I fail, I have to wait at least another year for my professional designation, and I fail to study. It is almost as if a part of me wants to fail. Lets see what it feels like to fail! I am sick of people's expectations... I am sick of my own expectations. I am sick of this country and the way things are done here. On my return from the US, I took up a goernment job thinking I could make a difference. Instead I am different myself.

 

My boss expects me to do the job well, and I don't care. This january was the first time I got a performance appraisal that didn't say I was at the top of my work, and I couldn't care less. My dad shouts at me and I don't listen. Domestic or Professional considerations have failed to inspire me. Working for my country fails to inspire me. Working for humanity... probably wont do much either.

 

I do like to study though. Can somebosy please get me a scholarship so I can get back in a university and study my life away without worrying about funding?

 

I need to study...

I need companionship (preferabely female)...

I need to get serious about work...

I need to gather myself and my thoughts together...

I need more exercise...

I need to have more fun...

I need a life...

I need an inspired life!